The universe is making it hard for me to find my gratitude this year and that stinks.

I'm cranky. I've just swept and mopped my kitchen, laundry room and mudroom and the artificial scent of lemon hangs in the air. To my right is the television remote and since my house is empty and quiet, I'm thinking of choosing a movie to watch - preferably something with a lot of swearing, something I wouldn't watch while my kids are home. 

It's thanksgiving and I'm alone...for now. The family gathering is several hours away and my girls are, for the first time in awhile, with their dad who has been gone for work.

I went for a walk. I've cleaned. Eventually, I'll make a homemade whipped cream to top the cheesecake with gingersnap crust. 

Right now, though? It's lonely. It's too quiet. While it's a bit of a nice break to not be "on" - to not have to be anything to anyone for these few hours - it's tough. Facebook is filled with pictures of family and being alone seems a bit... Well, like the universe is being a giant butt head.

And I'm already mad at the universe. I don't know what to feel and how to find my gratitude at the tail end of this year - this year that has felt impossible, this year I learned my retinas are stupid and will only get stupider as time and years go by.

Time has helped a bit - I don't cry nearly as much as I did a few months ago - but to be fair, who even has time these days to think? Even when I'm awake and battling insomnia at 3 a.m., it's not often my eyes stressing me out. I'd call that progress but I'm still not getting enough sleep.

I know there's so much good in my life. And I'm thankful. I am. 

But it's hard. And today is one of those days where it feels tougher than usual. Maybe it's the whole idea that I'm supposed to be so freaking grateful. Maybe it's the unwanted solitude. Either way... Sigh.